In truth I’ve hummed and haahed about writing this and given it a lot of thought – it may be a tad painful for me and those close to me to think about. But having weighed everything up and always prided myself on saying it as it is, here goes I’ll give it a bash…..
I was asked a couple of times last Saturday at the Raffle of Excellence if I was scared? This admittedly was by younger friends, who are naturally inquisitive and although I burbled some bravado(ish) answer, it has got me thinking in the days since.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that deep down, tucked away from everything, I must be. I can’t see how I couldn’t be to be honest.
The big question though is; Am I sacred of actually drawing my last breath per se? Or the consequences of doing so? The two things are distinctly different. Robbie Williams that sings “I’m not scared of dying I just don’t want to” and I reckon that sums the situation up perfectly…..
I can honestly state that I’ve always been proud of my family, but never more so than this exact moment in time.
Penny has risen to the challenge magnificently. She now does just about everything that needs doing – my god she even passed her driving test in 5 weeks so that we could remain mobile. I’ve always known she had an inner strength (she’d have to have being married to me for 28 years!) but nowhere near what has emerged since this dreadful disease reared its ugly head.
Joe would be the first to admit that he was just kind of drifting along but has sorted his life out and with Mel, his partner, has turned out to be the most fantastic parents to our grandson, Eli – who in turn is without doubt the happiest child I’ve ever seen.
And Amy, well she appears to have finally found her true vocation and now has a job whereby she makes a difference to the world – the kids she works with are right up there with those that need the greatest help society can offer but ironically has little to give to. She’s also weeks away from getting married – who’d have thought it, my little Amy, eh?
And I’m going miss all that follows.
The feeling that I’m letting everyone down is inescapable.
I shouldn’t be putting my parents through this – not at this stage of their lives, they have their own issues to deal with – and are doing so without overly troubling me, I know that.
Brother and Sister have remained more positive than I could ever have hoped for but once more they shouldn’t have to go through this. And the same is true for the rest of my relatives and friends who have rallied round.
Finally, I couldn’t have wished for more from the Medical profession. They have thrown everything they can at my cancer and still it hasn’t been enough. So many people have done all that they can for me and I hate to think of the total cost – Ipi, alone, is about £29k a bag and I had 4 of them.
I know it isn’t my fault and there is little, or nothing, I can do, other than accept the inevitable but the feeling of guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders.
Then there’s the everyday things;
The drugs have wrecked my teeth – is it worth the investment to put that right?
Will the new garden ever establish itself?
What will Spurs do next season?
How’s the new Stars Wars franchise going to deal with the storyline?
Will the DFS sale ever end?
The list goes on….
So my answer to the initial question, having given it some thought and written everything out (this is cathartic) goes back to Mr Williams’ quote “I’m not scared of dying I just don’t want to”.
But that in itself is part of what drives me on. The one thing I don’t have, is time, so I need to make every minute count and that’s why I’m currently immersing myself in the SSIJ thing. It gives me focus, purpose and meaning to what time I have left and hopefully will be a legacy when I’m gone.
Then you set yourself little goals to hit along the way.
Raffle of Excellence – check.
Holiday in August.
Dare I look further than that. Let’s wait and see……
Sorry Matt by the way – didn’t put a warning up – hopefully it was quite mild.
It was however the best I could do given the words at my disposal and I can’t do myself more justice than that.
Oh nearly let the opportunity pass me by – most unlike me. Don’t forget to pop over to www.ssij.co.uk and help us out by donating to the cause – it’s what gives us the strength to carry on.
TTFN good people.
Keep on Keeping on.